22 | "Inside Out" | Dating and Finding Love

Dating coach Lilli Bewley joins Khalila for a powerful conversation about healing dating patterns, attracting aligned love, and becoming the woman God created you to be. Lilli shares how her inside‑out approach helps smart, successful women break cycles of people‑pleasing, over‑achieving, and abandoning their needs in relationships. Together, they explore feminine dating archetypes, root‑cause wounds, boundary‑setting, and why so many women feel unseen, unheard, or misunderstood in love.

Lilli opens up about her own journey—from unhealthy relationship patterns and trauma to becoming the “magnetic woman” who finally attracted the safest, most aligned partner she’s ever known. She explains why dating often feels like a roller coaster, how subconscious beliefs shape who we choose, and what it takes to call in a healthy, committed relationship.

Whether you’re dating, healing from past relationships, or simply learning to show up as your whole self, this episode offers deep insight, practical guidance, and a refreshing perspective on love. Khalila and Lilli also have some fun exploring the fictional “Kate,” a made‑up friend navigating modern dating challenges.

If you’re ready to transform your dating experience, understand your patterns, or reconnect with your worth, this conversation is for you.

Connect with Lilli:

Website: www.lillibewley.com

Instagram: @lillibewley

Podcast: The Lilli Bewley Podcast

Connect with Khalila

Instagram:  @wherewerisepod

Email: WhereWeRisePod@gmail.com

Transcript

Khalila McCoy 0:00

Hi, I'm Cleelow McCoy, and you're tuned into the show that's always worth the listen. This is Where We Ride. Hey friend, great to be here with you today. This is one of my favorite places to be, spending time with you, rising with you, and getting to know not only the stories of our guests, but your story as well. This week I received a wonderful message from Jazzy P, and she's given me permission to share some of our conversation. It started out with a message like this. Hi, Calela McCoy. Thank you so much for this podcast and for creating a space to talk about anything, really. I've learned a lot from the stories that people have shared. I have a lot of trauma in my past, and though you haven't shared a story like mine yet, hearing how others make it through helps me know I can come out with joy in the end too. One day I'll tell you more when I am brave. I really like the self-help type episodes you've done lately. I'm improving my self-talk and how I see me. Thank you for helping me see change and growth are possible no matter what I am going through. I've been told I'm being kinder to others and myself by a close friend. Cool, right? Jazzy and I talked more and she really opened up. She realized how brave she already was, how much she's overcome, and how much she truly has to offer the world. She promised to keep in touch, and who knows? Maybe one day she'll be on the show. I'm gonna be checking in on you, Jazzy. Jazzy and I ended up talking a lot about the marriage round table I did with my friends in episode 19. If you're new here and haven't listened yet, I encourage you to check it out. It's pretty great. And even though Jazzy isn't married, she had so many questions and thoughts. She's navigating the dating world right now, and it feels like a lot. I told her to wait until this episode comes out because so much of what she's wrestling with is exactly what today's guest, dating coach Lily Bewley, talks about. Lily helps, and I quote, smart women just like you, love dating and find true love. No more struggle, no more sacrifice. And even if you're not a woman or no longer in the dating game, keep listening. Lily offers great reminders about understanding ourselves and insights into why we attract certain people into our lives. We also have a little fun talking about my imaginary friend Kate. Just listen and you'll see exactly what I mean. Welcome to the show, Lily. How are you today? Hello, beautiful Khalila. I'm doing well. How are you? I like that. I'm doing very well. I've been excited about our conversation today. I've actually, um, my best friend at work, we sat and talked about talking to you. Um, because it's kind of funny, even though I'm not in the dating world anymore, she recently was. And just the stories of the roller coasters that she has been on. I was like, oh, it's too bad that I hadn't heard of you or met you before. So she's like, yeah, when you talk to her, like ask her all the questions. But it's it's an interesting field that you're in. So tell us a little bit about what you do as a dating coach. Hmm.

SPEAKER_01 3:16

Yeah. Um, so yeah, it is an interesting field. Um, it's an interesting field, I think, because just like your friend at work that you're talking to is anyone out there that's single right now, whether that be like, you know, mid-30s, whether that be 40s, 50s, 60s, even I have clients that are 70.

Khalila McCoy 3:37

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

And out there in the dating world, there is this, there's this idea that dating sucks, that it's that it is a roller coaster, that it is like really hard and confusing and frustrating and all those things. And yes, you can find evidence of that everywhere. You can find evidence of dating being hard and dating sucks everywhere. Like, you know, any other kind of dating coach that would go on up if you listen to other like dating podcasts or anything like that, or any dating episodes, or it's all about fear. There's a lot of fear out there. Oh, you know, there's the the divorce rate, the, you know, there are more women than men, and all these things. And I was in that boat myself too. You know, I have been through this dating journey, this journey of, you know, really, really kind of bad patterns, patterns that did not serve me, patterns where I never felt seen, I never felt never felt heard, I've never felt loved or even understood in relationships. And going through this journey to where we are today, which is the best man I've ever met. Um, you know, a man that the safest man that I've ever met in my life. And um that's really that's where I come in with the dating journey as a dating coach. And yeah, I would have never thought that this is something that I would do. Um, but after I started, you know, I'm I'm very different, Khalila, with the way that I approach dating.

SPEAKER_02 5:08

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 5:09

Um, I approach dating from an inside out approach instead of an outside in approach. Like a lot of other dating coaches, coaches and experts, or even if like if you're dating and you go to your friends and you go to your family and you ask them for advice, they're gonna tell you a bunch of stuff like that's on the outside of you. They're gonna tell you, you know, that picture isn't really good on your profile. Change your picture. They're gonna, they're gonna say, oh, you know, um, change this. This sounds a little weird, or they're gonna say, you know, oh, just go be yourself. Or, you know, I I used to get the the feedback from one of my friends a long time ago. Um, oh, don't go so so deep on the first date. Okay. And so there's all these, all these external kind of advices and things. Um, you know, you scroll through TikTok, you go scroll through Instagram, they'll give you all these tips and tricks. But those tips and tricks, at least for me, they didn't either didn't work or they worked for a short period of time. And I could not seem to call in my dream partner, the man of my dreams. I could not seem to do that. And so that is when I had a look inside myself. And I said, okay, there's a common denominator here, and the common denominator is me. So what is happening inside of me where I am seeking outside validation from men? I am um being someone that I'm that I'm not. I don't even know who I am in relationships. And so for me, again, my it's for me, it's really all about healing from the inside out. It's really about becoming the woman that God made you to be, that universe made you to be, and really, really calling in aligned um things that are gonna fill up your life, you know, and fulfill your life. And that having a dream partner is one of those things, at least for the women I work with and for me as well. So again, like never really thought that I was gonna get in into this, you know, into this area of life. But here's the thing, going back a little bit on the dating, you know, the whole thing about dating and why it sucks. What the opportunity is, if there are any single women listening when your friend listens, is it's not that dating sucks, it's that your experience with dating sucks.

SPEAKER_02 7:21

Right.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

The opportunity is to change your experience. And the difference is the way that I see it is you don't change your experience from the outside of you. You change the experience from the inside of you. Yeah. So, like all of those things that you're saying to yourself, like, there aren't enough men in my town, there aren't any conscious men out there, I'm never gonna find somebody, I'm gonna make the same mistakes again, I'm not enough, I'm not worthy. All of those are really, really deep and hidden, unconscious and subconscious patterns that are keeping you where you are. And so the opportunity is to heal and get to a place where you are a magnet for again, everything that fulfills you, including a dream partner.

Khalila McCoy 8:06

Right. So, speaking from your own experience, what were some of the steps that you took to heal from the inside?

SPEAKER_01 8:13

Oh, all of the things. All of the things. I mean, therapy, coaching, um, uh, being on purpose, you know, like this is a very this is purposeful, you know, for me as well. Um, and again, it's like, you know, awareness is one thing, like a lot of a lot of personal development. It will be really good at giving you awareness, you know. Um, and that's kind of where a lot where a lot of women sit that are probably listening to this podcast is they're aware of their patterns, but they can't seem to get from the awareness of their patterns to actually breaking their patterns. And so, I mean, it's a journey. I mean, it really is a journey. There's no really tip or trick or strategy other than, you know, do the thing that is scaring you as far as as far as healing goes. And it's like, you know, all the things, you know, I did books, podcasts, um, again, therapy, coaching, you know, all of the things to finally get myself to a place where I'm a whole person. Like me being a whole person helps me call in a whole person, right? Or at the most, like for the most part. I'm human. I'm still a human. I still have my patterns, I still have my wounds and all those things, but I am definitely acting in more in alignment with who I am at my core than I was for the first, you know, 30 years of my life. And that is where we're trying to really trying to get women to is this inner alignment where her behaviors, her, her actions, her beliefs, her thoughts, and her emotions all line up. And most a lot of women are kind of fractured inside of themselves and kind of all over the place. You know, there's one part of her that, you know, like the chill woman, there's a feminine dating archetype, um, which we might get into, we might not, but there's the there's a framework called the feminine dating archetypes. Okay. And there's an archetype called the the chill woman. And the chill woman, like, for example, feels very fractured inside because, you know, she knows that she probably shouldn't sleep with somebody on the on the first date or at the very beginning of the dating process. So there's a part of her that that kind of knows, but then there's there's the other part that that quote unquote self-sabotages. Um, it's just a wounded part that does sleep with somebody pretty quickly on the first date. So that's why I talk about what I mean about fractured, like and becoming again, coming, coming into kind of one inside of herself and whole. Yeah.

Khalila McCoy 10:43

Do you walk your clients through almost like a therapy session of looking inside themselves, asking different questions? Is that how you start yours?

SPEAKER_01 10:54

It's yeah, it's kind of it's a process. I mean, it's a system. Um, it's a whole system that I, you know, I've I came up with because I it was the the system and the journey that I went through. And then I started to put plug, you know, clients into it, and it works. You know, I have two clients getting married this year, right? And so it works. And so it is, it does feel like therapy. So I will say I am a coach. Um my therapist said that I should be a therapist. I'm like, girl, I ain't going back to school. So I'm a coach. But yeah, it's a system. I mean, there's a step-by-step system of of healing from the inside out. And then we go out and do the dating, we do the dating process and all the how-to's and all those things. Those are there. But at the very beginning, it really is more about again healing those kind of core wounds, those root-cause wounds for good instead of the little like band-aids that you put over them, but healing them for good or healing them good enough to kind of move forward and start to break cycles, break patterns, overcome blocks, that type of thing.

Khalila McCoy 12:04

Yeah. So you talked about like you went through these steps yourselves, and that's how you can be relatable to your clients. So can you tell us a little bit about your story? Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

Um, like I said, I went through the whole journey. I, you know, I grew up in um in a family environment where I did not have a good example of a healthy relationship, it was a very unhealthy relationship. I really never had any any adults that were good examples of a healthy, aligned relationship. Um, you know, went through covert and overt abuse and trauma. And then as I started to kind of grow up and go through my relationships, I started to see these patterns in relationships and also dating where I never felt seen, I never felt heard, I never felt understood. Even though I thought that I was communicating well, I never could, you know, meet the right people or communicate the quote unquote right thing in order to feel like I was seen and heard and loved and understood. And so I started to see these patterns of, you know, sacrificing my body too quickly, abandoning myself in some ways, not being able to set boundaries and and and and keep them, or I would set them and not keep them.

SPEAKER_02 13:21

Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:22

Um, and really kind of going through this whole, this whole process, which the journey is actually the feminine dating archetypes. So it's these four archetypes where it goes from I was the chill woman for three decades, and then I went to the fortress woman, and then I went to the goddess woman, and then there was the magnetic woman. And the magnetic woman, that's where everything clicks, that's where everything aligns, that's where you really step into the, like I said, the woman that I think the God or universe kind of made you to be. And so all of my clients and I really strive to be the magnetic woman. And not because we're faking it, not because we're putting on a mask, not we're trying to. Yeah. Yeah, not because we're trying to act some some certain type of way, but because it's yeah, from your core, from the inside out. And that is where you really become a beacon to whether it be an aligned relationship, whether it be an aligned business, whether it be um, you know, money in the bank, whether it, you know, whatever it is, it's really about who you are in this world and not what you do. But there's a lot of patterns that tell us as women that we are valuable because of what we do.

Khalila McCoy 14:34

Yes, you're right. Yeah, yeah. And so that was who you are and not what you do. That's really good. And you kind of alluded to it already, just like the way society is. But when you talked about like not being seen or heard or having trouble with setting boundaries or sacrificing your body, I feel like that's not an isolated thing. You know, women are always talking about how, you know, he's not listening, he doesn't understand. I've said it so many ways, or like you said, that that pressure of those boundaries. Why do you feel like that is very common for women?

SPEAKER_01 15:10

Well, I think there's a lot of unhealed trauma out there. There's a lot. I mean, there's a lot, and whether you want to look at that or whether you believe that or not, or whether that's trigger triggering for anybody that's listening, I think everyone has been through something in their life, especially if you're noticing a pattern. Like a pattern is something that happens three or more times, and they're at the root of a pattern that's not serving you is absolutely a root-cause wound caused by something that's happened to you at some time in your life, whether you consciously know it or whether you don't. Right. And so, you know, there is a level of courage to be able to look at this and be like, okay, I'm the common denominator here. I'm gonna step into this healing journey with courage because I am done with this. There's no looking back. And I mean, that's where you know the women come to me mostly. It's like, okay, I'm done with this. Well, let's just go, you know, I'm ready for the next level no matter whatever it takes.

Khalila McCoy 16:10

When you say that, do women usually come to you like so either open, ready for what you have, or are they still kind of guarded usually?

SPEAKER_01 16:19

Good question. Um both. Okay. I think it's a both and. I think it's a both and, you know, um doing something like healing a root cause is actually very um, it's scary, you know, for some parts of us because there's expectations that it may hurt again. There's expectations of, you know, like I I can't talk about this or I'm too broken. And all of those patterns, guess what? All of those patterns, they also show up in your intimate relationship. So until, yeah, so until that you that there is a level of comfortable, not comfortability, but just um uh again, it's like this level of healing inside of you. Now, many, many women, they really want to be able to be vulnerable. They really want to be able to come home and be held and be loved and be protected and all these, all these really, really beautiful things that that men can provide. But again, there are these very there are these competing parts, you know, inside of us that tell us that vulnerability is weak. I have to do everything on my own, that I can't rely on someone, that I can't trust someone. And all of that is really a mirror into our our inner world, like our inner wounds, that that's that's that's the target. That's where where I get that we have the opportunity to heal.

Khalila McCoy 17:46

I saw on your site that you work with, you said like successful women, 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s. Why do you feel like that is such a like a good group to work with, or maybe not necessarily a good group to work with, but women that you really targeted?

SPEAKER_01 18:03

Yeah. Because that's a great question. Very good question, Kalila. Um because they were like me. Like me, I I'm really good at achieving. I'm really I can you put put me in front of anything, anything hard that has to do on the outside of me, and I could do it. Doesn't matter what it was. Doesn't matter what it was, I could do it. I could make the money, I could get the job, I could get, you know, I'm very, very good at achievement, straight A student, you know, athlete. Again, put me in front of something and I will knock it down. Right. And a lot of women are like that, like me. And it's not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing. The hard thing about this when you have everything else going well in your life and you can't seem to figure out your romantic relationships, is as hard as this may be to hear, this the level of doing, doing, doing, doing, doing, doing, doing is hard to to break, especially when you're wanting a connective romantic relationship.

Khalila McCoy 19:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:16

If that makes sense. So there again, there's a mismatch between what's happening inside of her or inside of me when I'm out there. What am I what am I working so hard to achieve? What does achievement mean to a part of me? It means that I'm worthy.

Khalila McCoy 19:34

I see.

SPEAKER_01 19:35

It means I'm good enough. It means that um that I'm gonna be seen and heard, that I'm gonna be validated, right? So what happens when you're just yourself and you you're you aren't achieving? Do parts of you believe that you're not enough? And that that's where the real deep healing comes in. There's it's a both and situation with my with my strong women out there. You can be a badass in the boardroom and have your business and work hard and all these things. And you can also be vulnerable, open, loving, and all those things. And that that dichotomy inside of most women, especially who have gone through their life, getting validation through achievement through hyperindependence, that's a that is an internal, just an internal structure that needs uh alchemizing, needs transformation in order to like for a a woman to like to completely like be herself, right? Mm-hmm.

Khalila McCoy 20:43

Do you find that it also kind of changes the story when if they've been either in a serious relationship that ended unexpectedly or a previous marriage? Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:56

Yeah.

Khalila McCoy 20:56

Yeah. As far as like a trauma or like something like that where like being able to kind of let go and release.

SPEAKER_01 21:04

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, of course. Like there's, you know, a lot of women that I work work with have been divorced once, twice, three times, you know, and they don't want to repeat the patterns of the past.

Khalila McCoy 21:16

Yeah. But they keep like, what do you find? Oh, sorry. No, it's okay. Go ahead. Yeah. What do you find like with women who, like, like you said, been divorced like maybe three times and are keep they keep trying? Right. Sometimes you think like, okay, well, you know, first you don't succeed, try again the third time. But these women clearly want this relationship and this connection. So how do you, or like what would you say to a woman who is kind of down on herself, like, this is the third time, but I really want this? How do you encourage someone in that?

SPEAKER_01 21:46

Hmm. Well, I mean, and encourage is just for me, like it's pretty simple as far as encouraging, which is do your work, do your healing work. You know, do your healing work and figure out why. You're attracting the same type of man with a different face. Why are you attracting the same type of relationship with a different face? Right. And so, you know, it it depends on what kind of level that they're that they are. Um, which is one one really good helpful thing about the feminine dating archetypes is when a woman goes in there and takes the archetype, there's a quiz um at datingarchetype.com. I'd love to hear what your friend is too. Um you go in there and you take the quiz and you it tells you what level you're at and it tells you what you need to or what you don't need to do, but what you have the opportunity to do to get to kind of the next level. So it kind of depends as far as encouragement, as far as um, as far as like, you know, what's happening inside of her, because it could be anything from, you know, she's the chill woman and she doesn't know what her needs and wants and desires are. And so, you know, the her healing work is to figure out what her needs and her wants and desires are and start to speak them up. Because a lot of times if she's a chill woman, she's kind of just gone with the flow with everything in life. And if somebody liked her, she'd be like, oh, okay. And she never really had a choice, or she never thought she had a choice. And so she never thought she had a choice because of some things probably that happened to her in the past. So that's where the inside out thing happens.

Khalila McCoy 23:18

That's kind of interesting. Like thinking, I want to go take this quiz now and see where I would fall and what I would do. Do you ever um, like when you're working with the women after they've taken the quiz and things like that, do you ever find like that the way they answered is probably like maybe more like who they wish they were? Or are they usually pretty honest with themselves? Sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 23:41

Sometimes. I used to be like that when I took like, you know, discs quizzes or something or like disc profiles or something like that at work where I was like, oh, I know the way I should be because you know I'm in this role. So it really kind of depends. I mean, I have women come in um and they'll take it multiple times just to kind of test and also to see kind of where they are and where they've grown. Like sometimes I'll I'll invite my clients, like, okay, you were here, go in and take it again and see where you are again and see if you've grown anywhere. Um, but I'm sure that happens. I mean, um, I like I said, I remember taking disc, you know, profile things at work, and I would I'd be like, well, I'm a salesperson, so I should be, I know I should be extroverted, but I'm really introverted, which is really fun, right? Um, that's a good question, though.

Khalila McCoy 24:26

Okay, well, I want to ask you. So I told you already, I mean my friend, we made up a woman. Her name is Kate, by the way. I wanted to go with Amanda hug and kiss, but my friend told me I should do Kate. We have Kate, and I just want to give you her profile and then just kind of talk to me. I mean, you could ask more questions. I'll make up more stuff about her. We got pretty deep. Okay, okay, I love it. So we made Kate. She's 36, she's a successful dentist, so she has a demanding, busy schedule. She doesn't have any kids, but she would like to have kids. She's from a small town. She married her high school sweetheart, but it didn't work out. They've been divorced for about five years, and she is ready to move on. There's no like connection there. He's out to a different state. Um, family is very important to her. She's a super cool aunt. She has her niece's nephew, she spends a lot of time with them. She doesn't want to give that up, but she also wants her own family. So that's a little bit about Kate.

unknown 25:27

Okay.

Khalila McCoy 25:28

What do you want me to do with Kate? So Kate is looking for love. She wants a serious relationship, she wants to get married, have kids. Um, so she wants a man who's gonna be serious, gonna be kind, who will have fun with her, and you know, seamlessly join into her family where she doesn't feel like she has to choose.

SPEAKER_02 25:44

Mm-hmm.

Khalila McCoy 25:46

Okay. You can see we are we had a really fun lunch today.

SPEAKER_01 25:50

Yeah, that is fun.

unknown 25:51

That is fun.

Khalila McCoy 25:52

Well, what do you want me to do? What do you want me to do with Kate? So, how would you, you know, she's busy, she, you know, in the world today, they're online dating and things like that. She just feels like she hasn't been able to find the right guy, and you know, no one wants a serious thing, they just want a one-night stand type of situation. And she's lost, and she's getting to the point where there's no good men left and all the good ones are taken.

SPEAKER_02 26:16

Uh-huh.

Khalila McCoy 26:17

She's just gonna be an aunt and I don't know. We've decided that she doesn't like pets, so she's not gonna have any pets. So, what what can she do?

SPEAKER_01 26:26

Okay. Um, does Kate can I ask some questions? Yes, yeah, this is so fun. Yeah. Um so what's Kate's like number one challenge or pattern within herself in dating? Is it that you I think you might have said it, but you said something like she feels like that there aren't any men out there or something. Yes. Yeah. Is that it or is there something else?

Khalila McCoy 26:54

Yeah, she just you know, it's tired of the dating scene. She feels like it's not working out because yeah, guys aren't serious enough. Okay. Okay. She does have, oh, she did come from a good home, so she definitely has preconceived notions of what a good relationship should look like based on what she's seen from others, not necessarily what she experienced in her previous marriage.

SPEAKER_01 27:20

Okay. Okay. Okay. So right now she's frustrated. She is tired of the dating scene. Um, she doesn't want to uh continue the pattern in her what was the pattern in her um in her previous relationship? We didn't make that up. Let me think.

Khalila McCoy 27:41

They were high school sweethearts, so let's just say that you know, they were just young and they never really connected. They knew each other as high school, but they didn't grow together. Let's go with that.

SPEAKER_01 27:49

Okay. So they didn't grow together. Okay. Okay. She said that you said that she's looking for something serious.

Khalila McCoy 27:56

How serious is she about all this? Like she wants to get married and have kids and have that quote unquote dream life is what she's looking for now. Okay. Do her behaviors line up with her being serious?

SPEAKER_01 28:15

Like, for example, does she sleep with with people quickly before like when she meets them early?

Khalila McCoy 28:25

She decides to wait till she feels like she has a feeling like it's okay. We'll go with that.

SPEAKER_01 28:33

Okay. Okay. Okay. She has a feeling till she feels like it okay. And how does Okay. Um I can I could probably continue asking questions for hours.

Khalila McCoy 28:45

Um, so I'm gonna, I'm kind of checking for a while. This type of questioning that you're asking, that's really good to think about.

SPEAKER_01 28:52

Yeah, well, I mean, this is what I do.

Khalila McCoy 28:55

Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, but as a person, like when you're going into the dating, we're probably not stopping, right? To think about, okay, what are my non-negotiables? What it where is you know my line with when I'm gonna sleep with somebody? Do my patterns align? Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:12

I mean, you know, there's a lot of things that you said that I have questions about. Let me just say that. And like I said, I'm I'm I'll I will um like I said, I'm holding myself back a little bit because I'm a very curious person. Um but Kate, it seems like that there's some opportunity for her to maybe pick the right person this time. Um so a lot of times, and I'm just I'm spitballing here, but a lot of times when, you know, we have a pattern in a marriage or something like that where we grew apart, that's like a very fundamental kind of very like very fundamental kind of value about a type of person that is going to continue growing with you and with the relationship, no matter what happens, right? Even if it's hard, right? And so if that was true, if that was really true, then then the opportunity there is to do some healing work about your intuition. Like, how's Kate's intuition? Um, is she in tune with who is right for her or who is not, or does she continue to make, you know, un not misaligned choices in her in her dating journey? And that's why it can be frustrating, is because you're like, I'm doing everything right, but something is not working. So there's that. Um a lot of times when we are we're working with our our intuition, we we there's a part of us that kind of doesn't trust other people, but it's really, really about trusting ourselves to make the right choice. And that level of discernment really, really takes a level of inner knowing and and and um inner awareness because us women, we know there are parts of us that know, but it's the other kind of wounded parts. Well, it's a and this is why healing is so important, is the thing that no one talks about about this is that likely if you have patterns that you don't like, if dating sucks for like Kate, it's probably not even her most highest, most aligned self, her today age self that is leading the dating process. It actually might be a wounded part of her that is out there and doing the dating. And that is why we do the healing work, is so that not that we can let go, but that we can start to understand what is happening inside of her. And as we start to understand, that's when she actually gets to come into her full blossoming self. That's when she'll she'll go out there and lead with herself instead of her patterns.

SPEAKER_02 32:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:02

Um, so there's that. There's that one thing. I mean, I I have other things.

Khalila McCoy 32:07

Yeah, no, I love that. I'm I'm feeling a little bit more hopeful for Kate and her dating.

SPEAKER_01 32:12

Yeah. I mean, and then there's the idea of, you know, you mentioned that she said something about like there aren't enough good men out there, right? So that is some people call that in the personal development world, some people call that a limiting belief.

Khalila McCoy 32:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 32:28

So my take on that is a limiting belief is actually a protective belief, a protective belief. So something like that, where there's a story, even if it's a story that seems very true because that is all that you're seeing. But if a story, if it keeps replaying inside of you, that is all that you're gonna see on the outside of you. And it's it's less about mindset and more about an inner kind of knowing that there are actually a really, really, really, really good number of really great men that are ready to commit out there. The thing is, is is parts of her do not believe that. And so again, healing work, targeted healing work around what I call the scarcity wound. And the scarcity wound is huge for women. You know, there's all this out there. Again, there are stats on stats on stats on stats of what's wrong with dating, you know, and and again, what you're seeing is showing you what you believe, and vice versa. It's like a it's a cycle.

Khalila McCoy 33:34

And so if you speak that out there, that's all you're gonna be able to see.

SPEAKER_01 33:37

You know it. You know it. It's like a basic law of manifestation is whatever you're seeing on the outside of you, there's a direct reflection of what's happening on the inside of you. And this is very kind of subconscious and unconscious, because again, you're seeing it, so of course you believe it. So something like that is something that I would look into with Kate, like, okay, I hear you, and I hear parts of you believe that. And what would that belief be protecting you from? And the it they would be protecting her from trying, because trying equals pain, yeah, trying equals hurt, trying equals frustration, trying equals disappointment, trying equals being a failure, and so again, targeted healing.

Khalila McCoy 34:23

But I like that you look deep into you know, made up Kate, but because when we were making this person, we were like, Oh man, we made Kate so perfect and so wonderful, but you just you know looked into that and saw the IT. But that's like perfect because on the outside it looks perfect, and you're like, why doesn't she have a date? She should be having this, or you you know, the person feels like guys should be lining up down the street. But like you said, there's something inside that we need to fix and work through, and everybody has it, so it's not like, oh, you, something's wrong with you. It's everybody has is working out.

SPEAKER_01 35:00

It's really just an opportunity. You're not broken. The way that I see it is that the God, universe, whatever kind of word, love, whatever word that you want to use is really telling you when you see a pattern, it's like signposts, like you need it. This is it. This is your evolution, this is your evolution, this is your growth area. This is, and again, this isn't just about dating. This is about everything. Like when you get to this point of becoming the magnetic woman, literally, your life will be unimaginable, right? In every way, because it I can't tell you how good it feels to be who you are and make that cash. Who you are and feel full and that you are completely worthy of everything that's coming your way. And you're not trying to convince yourself all the time, you know, oh, I'm worthy and I'm worthy and all this stuff. It's like, no, in your body, you feel it in your bones and in your heart and your soul, in your cells. And that is where it's like just a beautiful place to be. And not only that, like us women that are really, really doing the healing work are changing the world, like literally changing the world because we the ripple effect that we create when we do this with our friends, our family, our kids, our, you know, for Kate, like her nieces and her nephews. And um, even, you know, as we go out into the world and we're like checking out in the checkout line or something like that, we are a beacon again for alignment and love. When we speak, it's not, we don't have to speak, it's just the way that we speak and the energy behind it, right? And so it's just this whole beautiful transformation that every woman has access to. I'm not, you know, I'm awesome, I'm amazing. Yes, exactly, exactly. This is available to everyone.

Khalila McCoy 36:57

You talked a lot about love. So, how would you define love?

SPEAKER_01 37:02

Hmm, how would I define love? Um, I mean, I just one word comes up which is God. Um and the way that you know, I feel what's what's interesting about my journey is that I've always been loving and caring and kind, you know, like from birth. And I think, you know, throughout my journey, I because I'm so loving and caring and kind, um, people would abuse that. People would abuse my big heart. And I didn't really know who to pick. I didn't know who was right for me and who was not. I didn't know how to say yes when I meant yes and no when I meant no. And love is also alignment, it's protection, it's support, it is compassion, it is um curiosity, you know, all of those things. And that for me, it just encompasses what I feel, you know, what what God's love or universe's love can really bring to me, too.

Khalila McCoy 38:16

I like that answer. That's beautiful. So wrapping up our time together, just thinking about what you told us about introspection and transformation and you know, being who we're supposed to be, what would be a big takeaway you would want our listeners, especially the women out there listening, what is something that you could say to them to help them rise?

SPEAKER_01 38:40

Hmm. Here we rise. Um you know, your patterns aren't you. You know, if if any women, women that are listening and they see patterns in their life and relationship, your patterns aren't you. They are just a part of you. And they're a part of you that is screaming at the top of its little lungs waiting for you to heal, to understand it, to know it, to love it, to see it and hear it. And you know, it it's on us to to lead that and to do that is the way that I see it.

Khalila McCoy 39:18

If someone would like to work with you or find you or follow you in some way, can you tell us how they would find you?

SPEAKER_01 39:24

Yeah, yeah. Well, I invite any single woman or even women that are in relationship. I'm looking at you, Khalila, that um wants to take the feminine dating archetype quiz at datingarchetype.com. It is a two-minute quiz. It will reveal your blocks to love and help you find your true love match. And you can find that at datingarchetype.com. And it takes two minutes, it will spit out your archetype, it'll reveal your blocks, blocks to love, it help you find your true love match, and it'll also show you targeted healing that you are open to do, either obviously, you know, I have programs with your therapist or even with yourself on um getting you to that next level. And that's at datingarchetype.com. And that's a good jump off point just to find me wherever too.

Khalila McCoy 40:17

Okay. So if they take that quiz afterwards, they can reach out to you and okay. Nice. Well, Lily, I really appreciate your time. You just have a great spirit about you, and uh this is not video, so people can't see, but I feel like you're just glowing and you just look like this happy, genuine person. So it's been really great talking to you, and I'm excited for your clients and for you as you continue on your journey. Thank you. Thank you, love. Thank you so much for having me here. Okay, so this is happening live, not practiced, not rehearsed. I just finished taking the dating archetype quiz on Lily's site. And for reference, I tried to answer the questions based on who I was when I first started dating, when I was dating DJ, not necessarily who I am now. So let's see. Here we go. Ooh, I'm a magnetic woman. Woohoo! All right, it says, Hey magnetic woman, you found the key that only a few women have. Yay! Oh, I get to scroll to the bottom for a free gift. Let's see, some of the things it says, it says you feel safe leading with your heart. When you make mistakes, you know you're not perfect. That is true. Your first instinct is self-kindness, self-compassion, and self-love. Sometimes I would say that. When dating, you're open to meeting the one, and you have a balanced way of being open to love while also sticking with values and boundaries. Go you. Go me. It says, I'm smart and driven. I am the Oprah of my friends. Hey you guys, Oprah has a podcast now, too. So hey, maybe. Ooh, I like this. It says, Your flaws are perfect for the heart that is meant to love you. It's a quote by Trent Shelton. That's a really good quote. All right, so there's a lot of different things here to kind of tell you about your type and what you offer as an archetype, and then there's an option to work with her. You also get a free gift, like I said, and then she tells you a little bit more about herself and just some things to work on. Cause even though I am a magnetic woman, I am not perfect, and there's still things I want to work on, especially obviously if I'm looking for a dating coach, right? There'd be things that um I would want to work on so I could work with her. So cool. So if you are looking to date, definitely check out this quiz. Some of the questions were tough. I felt like it was a little bit, I feel I felt like I was a little bit of each option for some of them. Um, but it was fun. And even though I'm not dating, like I said, it reminded me how important it is to stay true to who I am and to keep practicing boundaries in every relationship, be it marriage, friendships, family, and even at work. So that's a lifelong work for all of us. If you're looking for a dating coach, you can find all of Lily's information in the show notes. Her website, her podcast, and her Instagram are linked below. I recently started following her and I really enjoy her content. So definitely check it out as well. Lily, thank you for talking with me and for everything that you shared today. And to you, my friend, find at least one thing that you can take from today's conversation to add to your life or to the lives of those around you. And as you move through the rest of your day, I hope you take a moment to listen a little louder to yourself, to the people you love, and to the things that connect us in ways we sometimes forget to notice. I'll meet you back here next time. See you bye.