16 | "I'm So Proud of You" | A Life Remembered

In this heartfelt conversation, Allaina Maria shares the profound impact of her sister Yolanda's life and tragic loss due to domestic violence. Through memories of Yolanda's kindness, community service, and the love she shared with her family, Allaina Maria reflects on the complexities of grief, the importance of honoring one's feelings, and the journey of healing. The discussion emphasizes Yolanda's enduring legacy and the lessons learned from her life, encouraging others to embrace their emotions and support one another in times of loss.

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Transcript

Khalila McCoy 0:00

Hey, I'm Khalila McCoy, and this is the show where we face the hard things with honesty and hope. This is Where We Rise. Today, it is my privilege to share my conversation with Allaina Maria. She begins this episode by honoring her older sister, Yolanda, a woman whose life was taken due to domestic violence. In our conversation, you'll hear a brief description of what happened that day. What is shared is information you could easily find online if you search for the incident. But what you won't find in those articles is how deeply Allaina Maria loves her sister. You won't read about the precious moments Yolanda shared with her siblings, or how incredible her cooking was, or the real and raw emotions of a baby sister left to rebuild after losing her. That is what we are hearing today. Not even two years removed from that horrible day, Allaina Maria sits with us to share who Yolanda truly was, beyond the headlines, beyond the tragedy, and to open our eyes to the pain of having someone you love taken by violence. Let's listen. How are you today? Hi, I'm doing great. How are you? Good. Welcome to the show. I want to start today by saying thank you for being here and trusting me with such an important conversation. Today we're going to honor your sister, Yolanda. And she was taken from this world unexpectedly and because of violence. And if we were to read the headline in the news as someone who doesn't know her, I would read it, I would see it. And then unfortunately, I would move on, right? And I would forget about the situation. But I understand, and as we all do, for the people who loved her, their lives were shaped by her. This is not something that they're just forgetting and their lives are forever changed. So I'm grateful that we get a chance to talk about Yolanda, about who she was, beyond what happened to her. So for those of us who never got to meet her, please share with us about who she was.

Allaina Maria 2:23

Um, so Yolanda, um, just before I get started, I just want to say it's always a pleasure and a joy to even mention her name because she was such a wonderful, bright light in this world. Um, I was so blessed and lucky to have her as my big sister. Um, a lot of people have the horror stories. Oh, my sister, no, no, no. She was the she was an amazing woman. My mother had, she birthed three children, but she raised many. Um, but she birthed Yolanda, um, the middle child Shauna, and then myself, Allaina, um, the three of us. And Yolanda was always my protector from day one. I can't even remember a time that we ever had an argument. And that's just the honest absolute. She was the gentlest, kindest, sweetest, nicest person that you could ever meet. You know, you know, there's some people in the world, you meet them, you're just like, oh my God, like, where are you from? You're like otherworldly. Like, why are you so what are you doing here? Like, what are you? What do you got going on? Why, why are you so magical or whatever? You know, what's up with Aura that you're drawn to them? And that was my sister. Um, you know, aesthetically, she was a beautiful woman. Okay, she was just naturally gorgeous, freckled face, um, little tiny, little slim, petite little something. She dressed and dressed and dressed. You hear me? Nails done, hairs done, just a beautiful woman. But outside of that, when you would look at her, you'd be like, oh my gosh, she is so gorgeous. But when you would talk to her, you'd be like, oh my gosh, she's even more beautiful. You know what I mean? So she was just a wonderful, like, like I said, a beautiful sister growing up. She was my protector. Um, there was nothing I ever needed or wanted. She was right there for me and my middle sister as well. Let's be clear, she was good to all of us. But just speaking specifically for my experience, right? Um, she was a great mother. She had five wonderful children. Wow. Um four boys and a girl. One girl, she finally got her girl, and her name was Patience. And she tested her patience too. So they named her prophetically. Oh, did they ever name her prophetically? Um, but yeah, so Leonard was an awesome cook. I mean, she the mantle was passed down naturally for my great grandma, my grandma, my mom to my sister. Those those girls can burn. And um, she was, you know, right up there, you know, with the upper echelon of the cooks in our family. Um, like I said, she worked in social services. So she provided, you know, on her daily life, even though she was going through so much turmoil, stress, struggles at home in an abusive marriage. Um, but when she went to work from eight to five, she was serving the community. You know, she was making sure people didn't go homeless, providing services. Um, she would uh actually recently she had started in, well, in Bennell, Florida is a small town where she was living. That's what my my grandma but in the small town is the Carver Gym. And she started a program once a month where people from her job would come and provide resources to the community, first of its kind. And as a result, when they did it again, they named it after her in her honor, and that was not too long ago. And they also had a little banquet invited. My mom provided her with a plaque. I mean, she was a trailblazer, and once she transitioned, and when we had her funeral, it was in a very huge church. And when I tell you it was standing room only, um, people black, white, Hispanic, like all of the different people she touched and ministered to in her own way. And people were just devastated because when you meet her, like I said, that light, you had to love her. You would have never known she went home to what she went home to. Right. You would never know because she always showed up. You know, sometimes you hear stories about people who are in abusive relationships, you know, they shy away, they look that, you know, you know, those times where you're like, okay, something's going on there. Right. Yeah, she always showed up as her authentic self because she was saying, if I have to go home to trauma, at least when I wake up in the morning, I can help heal others, you know? Uh yeah. So she was a true gym. Um, and I said at her funeral when me and my sister spoke, I would choose you every lifetime to be my sister. He was good, she was good stock.

Khalila McCoy 6:58

Do you have a specific story or memory of her that plays over the most in your mind? Oh, yeah.

Allaina Maria 7:06

My sister's my middle sister Shauna's gonna get me, but me and Shauna, um, I was in the living room and I don't know what my sister was something else. And she would always pick up me for whatever reason. I was the younger sister, you know, so whatever. You know, we'll do it that that dynamic. And one time my sister, Yulana, she was like, that's enough. Leave her alone. Like she just was like, took her in. Hey, leave my sister alone. And uh I was like, that's right, that's right. That's that lot, my love. And you know, when someone as a child, you think about like that woman who came around, like your mother's friend or your auntie that always had their hair done and makeup done. And you just every time you see them, you're like, I want to be like you. Absolutely. And my sister was my hero because she always stood up for me. And so that story, one that that's one of the many times, but she will always tell my sister, yay, you better back off. Right. You know what I mean? So she was, like I said, my protector, and I mean that in every single way. Yeah, you know, so yeah.

Khalila McCoy 8:12

Yeah, so she was big in your life, big in the family, in the community. That's really amazing that she was really giving of herself.

Allaina Maria 8:21

Absolutely. Every I left this out, and I don't know how, but this was a big thing. Every Halloween, she would come out, decorate her porch, have food. They would have grilled hot dogs, hamburgers, free candy, cupcakes. She would make this thing called chicken soup. It had a little rice chicken in it. Um, um, the community would come together and they would give away whole-sized candy bars. And the whole block would come and just hang out at my sister's house and with the kids, and they would have relay races up and down the street, and every single year she looked forward to Halloween. Yeah. Um, and she was also a cat lady, so like the community cat. You know, she's like, oh, oh my God.

Khalila McCoy 9:06

Um, anyway, she loved all God's creatures.

Allaina Maria 9:10

Uh she was something else, but she was feeding the little community cats. But um, back to the Halloween thing, um, last year they had the Halloween uh thing at her house because um the home she was living in was my grandmother's home. And so my grandmother is a family house. And so she that my sister was the oldest grandchild. My mother was the oldest of eight. My sister was the first, so she moved in. And then once my um sister passed away, my cousin moved into the home.

Khalila McCoy 9:39

Okay.

Allaina Maria 9:39

And um, so they continued the tradition with the Halloween party at you know, at the house. Um, unfortunately, myself, my mom, the kids, we did not go because my mom just, you know, was not in a place to be able to be okay because she was murdered in front of her house. Oh man. So yeah. So um so that place holds that dark memory now. Absolutely. And um, you know, the children, he did it in front of my youngest nephew as well, and the re other kids were in the house. So it was the the amount of trauma that came behind that situation was unreal. She was simply going to work. And he pulled in behind her, got an argument, grabbed a knife, and you know, stabbed her 17, 18 times in front of my nephew. I'm so sorry. Absolutely. So uh it is a lot. Um, but like I said, we we can't undo what happened to her, but I can tell you, her light shines so bright. They had the Martin Luther King parade recently in Bennell. My mom came up, they honored her with a plaque. You see what I'm saying? So her legacy is still moving on, yeah. Still moving on. Yeah, so that's just a glimpse into this beautiful light. You know what I mean? She was amazing.

Khalila McCoy 11:01

Were there some stories that you heard at the funeral that kind of not surprised you in like in a negative way or anything, but you're just like, oh yeah, that's my sister, but you didn't know she was involved, and maybe oh I um almost all of them, because a lot of people in the I I knew she worked in social work, but I don't work with her.

Allaina Maria 11:19

You know, I don't know how many people she came in contact with on a daily basis. And so to hear the people, to see, first of all, seeing was believing. Grief is a mess. The way these people were grieving, it was moments where I had to stop and look because he had to come and grab some people to, you know, withhold their grief to console them. And I'm like, oh my God. So not only what they said, it's what I saw. People just couldn't believe this wonderful vessel is laying in this beautiful candy red casket in this gold sequence dress. And I said to myself, now how you go out of here fine?

Khalila McCoy 12:00

What? What are you doing today? You know what are you doing?

Allaina Maria 12:03

You what do you got?

Khalila McCoy 12:06

Servant people, you know, makeup.

Allaina Maria 12:09

We made sure to honor her as she was, you know. Um, young lady who does my makeup, uh Deja Dowdy, wonderful makeup artist, came and made her be herself. Yes. Um the week before her transition. Um, I I I do a lot of things. I'm a motivational speaker, I've written books, I'm an actress. And that week before she transitioned, we went to um to um Chicago. I had to speak, which was actually her birthday, uh, July 24th was the actual day of the engagement.

Khalila McCoy 12:40

Okay.

Allaina Maria 12:40

And um, we all went up together. She was like, You gotta do my hair. You got so I was like, fine, I'll do your hair. And so in the casket, she still had that same hairstyle. And I was like, that's right. I did that for my sister. And so even the picture that was on the front of her obituary is the same hair, because like I said, we had just gotten back from Chicago, you know, and that next week, her and my aunt are one week apart. We was in Chicago one week celebrating, and my birth, my auntie's 60th birthday the next Saturday, two days later, you know.

Khalila McCoy 13:14

Yeah, I love just I can see you, right? And I can see you lighting up as you talk about your sister, and then even at the funeral, like that sense of pride of like my sister has helped so many people and done so many things. Now that she's gone, how do you feel like you want to carry on her legacy?

Allaina Maria 13:35

Oh man, I like I said, I'm I'm a motivational speaker myself, you know. Um, now I I will say at first I had to take a break. I had to step back because I had no strength to motivate nobody because I was grieving like a madman, you know. Everything she everything I love was in one place trying to figure out how to go on, right? Her children, my mother, my sister, you know, her best friend. So um I took a step back from that side of me. Um, but I had to remember that my sister was my greatest champion. Every book until she left, every book I wrote, she edited. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. So that was my yeah, that was my that's what I'm trying. I can't convey it enough. I don't know if it's coming across in my voice, but that truly was my champion. When I'm traveling, what time you're leaving, where you're at, if I make a Facebook post, oh you spelled that wrong. Get that off of it. Like she's you know what I'm saying? Represent yourself the best. She did not play by her baby sister. Um beautiful. Once I got my bearings and was able to start moving forward again, um, I remember my sister and everything that I do and her legacy and her demand for excellence and how she supported me. And I remember how she was a champion for the community. I make sure my mother makes sure that we in turn continue her legacy and don't just let her name, you know, go in vain. It's an impossibility for us. I coined a phrase that I refuse to give the grave any of my potential. Um, and I coined that after my uncle passed away. And um, now that my sister is gone, you know, I regurgitated that. Allaina, you're hurting, but you cannot give the grave any of your potential. You see what I'm saying? My sister would not have wanted that. Her journey was over. My journey is not. Right. You know, and she's rooting for me with the cloud of in the cloud of witnesses right now, saying, you better not stop. I'm not here physically, but I am still, I'm still here. We share the same DNA. I I am just no longer in the physical, I'm still in the spiritual form, rooting for you and pushing for you. So yeah.

Khalila McCoy 15:52

Let's go back a little bit to your grief. You talked about how you had to step away for a while. Yeah. After you found out what happened. Walk us through what that was like for you.

Allaina Maria 16:06

Oh boy. Well, I literally was on a movie set down in Miami. You know, I'm like, I'm doing my big one. You know, this is one of my biggest sets. I'm growing up. They see my talent. And um, my nephew calls. I had just walked out of the trailer and was going to the breakfast area to, you know, get a little bagel or whatever they had over there. And my nephew called and it was like early in the morning. I'm like, what did he want? Wait, what did he what are you doing? I'm like, what's up, Jace? And he was like, earthy, earthy. And you know, he told me what was happening. I'm like, wait, say who did what now? Who did who they was? So I'm four hours away. I'm down in Miami. My family's in central Florida. Um, and she was alive, you know, but you know, injured, but still alive. And so when I finally talked to my mom, I was like, Mom, I'm on the way. And my mom was like, Don't you dare move. We're here. You stay right there. Because that morning I texted him, I made it, her reply, I'm so proud of you, sis. That was the last thing she said to me that morning. Okay. Um, and my mom was like, Don't you move, you stay right there. You finish out your set, we will call you. We are here. And I was like, Mom, I need to come home. She said, Allaina, don't you move? We are here. We'll call you. Said, okay. They don't set, you know, when you when you're filming, you're not you're not on your phone. You're filming. And then so I went to check my phone and nobody had text, call, email. That's when I knew. I said, nobody's talking to me. Nobody's talking to me. Nobody's giving me an update. So I called, nobody's answering the phone. I call my cousin, she answers, and I was like, Kim, you know, what's going on? She said, You need to get home. I say, but is my sister gone? You need to get home. Now I'm frantic. Don't play with me. It's not like don't play these games. And she said, Yeah, I the scream that I, you know, the what the the kids say, the scream that I scrumped.

Khalila McCoy 18:07

You know, the scream that I scrumped. Yeah.

Allaina Maria 18:12

Oh my gosh. I I I felt like um like I had been hit with a whip on my back. You know, like I I can't explain the the jolt that went through me. It was it was unreal. And where we were, I couldn't just walk off set. They drove us on set in the black truck, so they had to we, you know, we they had to release us, and then we the the calf got in the trucks, and then they drove us back to our car. So I couldn't just walk off the set. So I'm sitting there trying to hold it together, finishing up. But these people contracted me to do my trying not to cry. When they finally let me go, I told the lady what happened. They was just like, oh my God. You know, they were very sympathetic. I got in my car and I floated down 95 when I drive north, getting to my sister. Um, we were at my we went to my aunt's house, and um was going through your head on during that drive.

Khalila McCoy 19:08

Do you remember?

Allaina Maria 19:08

Were you Oh, I was screaming and hollering uh straight down the industry. I don't know how I didn't crash. You you see what I'm saying? And I um I do distinctly remember I called my children's father. We're no we're no longer together, but we have a great relationship. I called him, you know, because he was in my life for how many years, you know? Hey, Yolanda is gone. And he's like, say what? And his sister, um Lashawn, was there, and the way I was screaming, she was like, Allaina, pull the car over. George and I are on the way to get you. We'll ride together and I'll drive you. I was like, no, I don't I can't wait for you to get I I I um you ever had an auto like like you're an autopilot? Like I know you I was in Miami and then I was in Daytona. I mean I palm coast. I was in Miami and I was in some of the hours, I don't know what happened. Right. It's like you know, men in black. Oh I know and you're there, yeah. Yes, and that call time that morning was extremely early for that film, and so I was beat. But I felt none of that. I got there, my entire family was there, my mom, you know, the person I love more than myself is there, just tattered. And the look on her face, I didn't know what to her children, my siblings, my aunt, all of my extended family, even my uh in-laws, uh well, her in-laws, even his family um was around. And this isn't talked about much, but even though they didn't do it, I felt some type of way about them. They didn't deserve it, they didn't support it, they were not okay with it. But they all looked like him. And seeing them around you know what I mean? Right, I get that. Yeah, so people don't they don't talk about, you know, you just think about, oh, these people are hurt, but they don't think about the fallout, you know, the the residual effects, how the relationships will never be the same. Yeah, again, I have no issue particularly with the family, but one of theirs offended one of mine. So it make it made things awkward. It made things awkward. And they simply wanted to be there, and they should have. Um, the father is the one that stopped him from stabbing my sister, you know? He just happened to be riding by and was like, what in the world? Jump that, pull out his pistol, told him you stab again, I'm gonna kill you. His own father. So they weren't in in agreement with that. But as we're showing up at the house every day, you know how us uh black people do, we have fish one day, and you know, every day, and people come by. Chicken and it yeah and you're seeing all these people, and again, you're not angry at anyone but the offender. Um, but the fact that you're a human being, your true emotions, I don't care what nobody says. People attached to that person, yeah, you do feel a type of way. I I and that's just the honest truth. It really is. Um, and I really had to do some self-reflection because they didn't do it. And not only that, they don't could they don't they don't condone it.

Khalila McCoy 22:29

Yes, that's the big part.

Allaina Maria 22:30

Yeah, and they weren't okay with it. And they would I won't say just I'm glad to hear that.

Khalila McCoy 22:35

I'm glad to hear that.

Allaina Maria 22:36

Yeah, yeah. So it so that feeling, you see, so the the the point was how did I feel walked me through? I felt everything and nothing at the same time, if that makes any sense. I can tell you the worst feeling was the day we went to see her at the wake, and it was just a family viewing only. And my mom, my sister, and I walked up first. The children did not come to the wake because they were just trying to figure out, they were just trying to breathe, they were just trying to inhale and exhale. Um, but my my mom, my sister, and of course, other family members were there, but we were the first three they led up to see her. And my mother just collapsed on her child's chest. Yeah, and my my middle sister was like on her torso and I'm at her feet. And I just my my body was almost like I was having a seat, like I couldn't even stop myself from shaking. And I cried and cried. I felt helpless, I felt angry, I felt sad, uh, I felt um abandoned, um, I felt lost. I was angry with God, you know, because and again, you want me to be raw and honest, he beat her all the time. I always hoped it had been him and not her. You know what I mean? Like these things people don't talk about, but if anybody gotta go, it needs to be the monster, you know?

Khalila McCoy 24:12

Um, and so I was questioning God, like, why did you let it get her not him?

Allaina Maria 24:17

You know what I mean? You yeah. So um I just felt I felt everything.

Khalila McCoy 24:26

Yes.

Allaina Maria 24:26

And then afterwards, people eating chicken, you know, after everybody came and we're at my sister's house, and they're outside having crabs and laughing and talking. I stayed in my sister's room the whole time. I would come out, you know, peek out, check on my sister, check on my mom. And I went back in the room with sitting on the bed because I didn't feel like he, ha ha. I didn't, I didn't want to, but I also um not that it's all about public image because it's not, but I also am a brand. I'm Allaina Maria, like I said, I'm an actor singer. So I didn't want to be cutting up. Right.

Khalila McCoy 24:58

Yeah.

Allaina Maria 24:58

I'm not a normal cutter upper, if you will, but I hadn't felt the way I felt before ever. And like I said, all these twin-faced people outside that look like the offender. So I stayed in the room and just kind of wanted to make sure I just I don't know. I don't know what I wanted to make sure, but I just needed to make sure. Yeah, so yeah, so I felt everything. I felt everything and nothing.

Khalila McCoy 25:30

I think it's like you said, like we don't talk about that fact that you're hurting, you're in pain. You know how you're supposed to act, but at that moment, nothing matters except what you're going through and what you're feeling. And it's not selfish. And yeah, people will understand later, but you also knowing you have to hold it together, that's a lot for one person to manage. Absolutely. And then, like, even what I said before, like these people coming, yeah, they're sad, they're hurting, but that's your sister, right? Yeah, she helped you, she supported you, and you saw her as a pillar in the community and you loved her, but this is my sister right here, and that's a different type of connection, an emotion that I think we forget to acknowledge and honor as well.

Allaina Maria 26:19

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It it takes a it takes a lot out of you. Um, and my concern with my mom is I wanted to make that's her first baby. You know, before Yolanda's children, it was my mama and Yolanda. That's it. So I wanted to make sure that I was holding her up. And then my sister, Shauna and Yolanda, they're closer in age. So they were pretty tight. You know what I mean? And they look so much alike. So a lot of people, and they would look at she would find people, even still to this day, they'll be staring at her because they're seeing Yolanda, you know, and it makes her, you know, feel some type of way. Because she's like, you know. Um, but her and Yolanda was, they were best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best buddies. You know, I was baby sis. We were close. We were all close. But that was her her homegirl. So she is just you know, in pizza cup. She's just hysterical and going crazy. And then it's me who um I feel exactly what they're feeling. But we all have different personalities. So it's me, Allaina, trying to make sure I'm level-headed. Okay, we gotta get the funeral stuff, we gotta do this, we gotta do that. You know, trying to stay here when all I want to do is yes, you know what I mean. But it wasn't about me, you know. It wasn't uh, I mean, it was a a a part of me, but it wasn't just about me. There's so many pieces to this puzzle, like I said, people don't think about. You kill someone, you don't think about that best friend who's been in life since they were, you know, three. You just all the kids. No, there's there's someone, you know, who also loves her. You know what I mean? Or that favorite cousin, or that uncle who used to take her and get ice cream, like that that thing, it reaches so far and wide when you when people die, it hurt. But the truth when you're gonna kill somebody, it's just like, for what? You know, and so now what? The light that you had in the world is now snuffed out, you no longer have access to her. And that's what I take peace in and joy in. She's somewhere that you're not. Yes. And I love that for her. I wish she could be with me, but she's somewhere where the monster is not.

Khalila McCoy 28:44

She's not hurting anymore. Nope. She's being taken care of. Yep.

Allaina Maria 28:50

Yeah, absolutely. And so are her children. There are five children, two are with me, two are with my other sister, and one he had a little baby, and um, he has his girlfriend. Yeah, little baby, which I'll be getting this week. I can't wait. Dash my bum. Yeah, you know, so we, you know, we're holding up, my sister's not here, but we got her right and her left arm held up here in the earth. Her children want for nothing, not a thing. They're well cared for. You know what I mean?

Khalila McCoy 29:19

Yeah. You mentioned God before. How did you get past that anger with God to a place where you're like, okay, God, I trust you again. Help me through this.

Allaina Maria 29:30

Well, I've been in a similar place before. I um my son would have been 18. Well, he'd be 19 this December. He passed at six months old. And uh, but he was a micropreamie. You know, no one did anything to him. He just was early. That was my first child, and I was sick about it, you know. And I remember I used to take arrows, invisible arrows, and shoot them to God so I hit him in the heart so you could feel how I felt. And it took me years to be okay. And I sang on the praise to him and in the choir and direct the choir and was a good girl, and I didn't smoke, and I didn't drink. Well, I, you know, all the things you think that make you good, and then when something bad happens to you, you're angry about it, you know. You're like, God, but the crackhead has 82 kids. You're gonna take my one, she's gonna give them to the system. I never, you know, so um I I I I was in a place of really hurt where I was angry with God before. Um, like I said, that was years removed from my sister, which was just a year and a half ago. And um I did a lot of God why. A lot of god why why. But I also did a lot of my sister life, wasn't kind to her either. You know, it wasn't necessarily kind to her, even though she was good to it, it didn't return the favor. Yes, she lived in turmoil every single night. So when I took a retrospective look into her story, like I said, I take solace in that she's no longer in a place where the monster can have access to her, her soul can finally be at east.

Khalila McCoy 31:10

Be at rest, yes.

Allaina Maria 31:13

So was I angry? It it would I'll tell you a joke, but I'm gonna tell you no lie. Yes, I was angry. But I uh I don't know how to say it without sounding crazy. I miss my sister, but I would rather her be resting away from me than be living in turmoil with him. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, so that's again where I hang my hat, uh, you know, and I can pop my collar and feel good about she is not constantly tormented by the one she loved the most. She deserved her soul, deserved. She was dating him since she was 12. He killed her at 50. So that tells you how long.

Khalila McCoy 31:54

How long you said I'm saying, yeah.

Allaina Maria 31:58

So I just I know it sounds crazy, but um, I'd rather her.

Khalila McCoy 32:03

That doesn't sound crazy at all. Yeah, you said one of the last things she said to you was that I'm so proud of you. Oh, yeah. Is that in a text message or in a text? So do you do you still have that text that you look back at? Of course. Yeah, of course, because that's such a wonderful last thing to hear, too. Yeah, especially after all she's met and done. It it captures honestly who she is.

Allaina Maria 32:31

Absolutely, it it really did. And I'm like, I'm doing my big one, y'all are going. It was a big name artist. I can't say who because the movie hasn't released, but it was a pretty big you know, actor that I I was attached to, you know? And I'm so proud of you. I'm like, you know, I'm feeling myself. Yeah, I could go, and then that was a part that I was angry about. Um, I'll be honest, because she was my biggest champion and one of my first biggest gigs. You're gonna do this on this day? Right. Not that it was about me, because it wasn't about me. But when you sit and go back and reanalyze everything, you just like, man, not that I want you to do it on any day. You understand? Um, but it's just it's so hard to put into words. And I just want to say humbly, I'm so proud of myself today because I haven't dropped a tear. It took me a long time to get to this place where I can talk so freely. And even though I'm happy that she's okay, that I am not a blubbering, blundering mess. I had to acknowledge that. I am so proud of myself that I'm able to do this today.

Khalila McCoy 33:45

I was honest too. I was I would wasn't sure how you know this conversation would go. I have my tissues right here, ready to go. What made you decide that you want to talk about this? Right? We don't know each other, but I like I said, I'm very honored that you would come on here and talk about this with me. What is it about the situation that you want others to hear and know about?

Allaina Maria 34:07

Uh, well, I wanted to talk to you so I can be honest. A lot of times people are afraid to say how they really feel, you know, especially like like, and again, not to harp on their family. Their family is fine. But people won't say, I feel some type of way because it was your people. You know, you feel like something is wrong with you because you're angry, or, you know, and I just I want to come and talk about, you know, being real about your feelings and your emotions. And it's okay to feel what you feel. Now you're responsible for your actions, but it's okay to feel how you feel. And so I'm not the only person who has had someone murdered or killed, or be it uh hospital negligence, be it a car accident, shoot, just uh cancer or just regular everyday. It hurts no less. You love them, they leave here. It hurts. You know what I mean? And, you know, you may be angry with the doctor because you felt they could have done more when the doctor really did all they could. But it's okay to feel like they should have done more because you love that person. So I wanted to come on, you know, with to be real and honest to tell people your feelings are okay and they are valid. They are valid because you love them. And it's okay to not be okay all the time. And you grieve and run your race how you need to run your race. Don't buck up against other people who feel like, oh, they're good. If you need to cry, you still can cry. Certain movies come on. I'm just sitting there having a good time and the tears fall fall, and I let them fall. I wipe my face and I go do something else. But I don't be like, I got this. No, I don't, not right now. I don't. This moment I'm weak. This moment I'm broken. This moment I miss my sister and I want her presence. I can't have it, but it's okay to say I want my sister. You know? So I wanted to do this to just come be raw, real, and to encourage and minister to others that grief that hurts, right? It hurts.

Khalila McCoy 36:14

It hurts. It hurts. Have you been able to look at the in-laws in that side of the family? Are you still healing in that way? Or have you been able to look at them and not see him but see?

Allaina Maria 36:34

That was fresh. Yes, okay. I don't I I don't care, you know. Yeah, when it was fresh, it's like he just did this yesterday, y'all sit on the other day. Mm-hmm. Move. You know, but that at this point, you know, again, I'm entitled to my feelings. But at this point, again, not at one second of these people, I'm okay with it. That's what she gets. Right. These they are not in cahoots. They don't agree. There had there is no, you know, so there's no need for me to feel any type of way about anybody else but the offender. It's just in the moment, in the early stages, I just needed somewhere to put that you know, all that. You know, all that. You know, but now I don't, I don't, I don't think, you know, my mom still talks to his dad to this day, you know. You know, the kids, my sister, the the two that are in school, this is my sister in Jacksonville. The last time she came to Bonnell, she took them over there to their granddad. I mean, you know, if I see any of them in the street, I'm like, how you doing? You you you know, um, like I said, when it was fresh, I didn't know what to do with my emotions. I didn't know who to love or who to hate. You know, but uh I don't think, you know, it it it that that is dissipated, you know, you know, that's dissipated by now. I don't I don't care. Even if I see them on Facebook something I like, I click the click like. I don't, you know what I mean? There's no more anger there because I was able to kind of settle my spirit about it. Um you know, but again, honestly, in the beginning, I was like, mm-mm. So that's just the raw truth, you know? It's just the raw truth of the matter.

Khalila McCoy 38:25

And I appreciate your honesty. I agree with you. We don't talk about it enough. We think we have to put on a smile, we have to keep going and moving forward, but this is real. And you said you're not the only one, unfortunately, who deals with this in life. So I know they would appreciate what you have to say.

Allaina Maria 38:42

Oh, yeah, and uh what people don't uh talk about, they have the right to love their loved one, even though they were wrong. You see what I'm saying? You know, they shouldn't be, you don't get to tell people how to love who they love. That's still their loved one. That's still if they want to go see him, that's their right, that's their right. Right. He'll be judged by a jury of his peers, and whatever they decide, that will be the judgment on that. You see what I'm saying? None of that brings my family back. So if they want to go and visit, talk to no, but they don't need to go. Yes, they can people can do whatever they can. Whatever they want to do. And so that's another part of the healing um that you know doesn't get talked about. Or people like to say what they should what he you don't get to tell people how to love their family or friends. If they want to send him $20 to get some ramen noodles in his commissary, send them the $20.

Khalila McCoy 39:33

Right.

Allaina Maria 39:34

That has nothing to do with me or my family. They get to love him right on. You know, they get to love him right off. Yeah, you can love a monster. Absolutely. I have some family members I'm not the proudest of. You know, I I love there are a couple monsters I love from behind bars. You see what I'm saying? I still love my family. I will never condone, you know, be okay with, support, you know, if I see the family grieving on their on their post, I would stay out of that. But I I have to love, if you love them, you love them from where you are. I yeah. So I I had to get to that place too. People can they can still love him. They can. Mm-hmm. You know, people have free will.

Khalila McCoy 40:26

Yes.

Allaina Maria 40:27

So that's another place people don't talk about either. Mm-hmm.

Khalila McCoy 40:31

Yeah. So you've shared why you wanted to talk about Yolanda and her memory. So usually at the end of the show, I ask the guests to share, like, you know, how would you inspire, encourage people to rise? And I feel like you've done a lot of that. What do you think Yolanda would say to our listeners? How do you think she would encourage people to rise?

Allaina Maria 40:56

She would definitely say, be true to yourself. That would be the first thing she'll say. Take care of yourself. Because she had already said, I'm not she didn't know why she stayed. But she went and saved the world. So she would say, Be true to yourself, trust your gut. It's time to go, trust yourself, listen to that inside voice and put yourself first, focus on keeping yourself healthy, healed, and whole. Be good to yourself. And if you're good to yourself, that makes you a better person to be good to others. But when you're also broken and just spreading broken seeds, take the time to be good to yourself. I know that's what she would say.

Khalila McCoy 41:46

Listen to don't stay if you have to go. Go if you have to go. Thank you, Allaina Maria, for this conversation. Thank you for your heart, your honesty, and for sharing your love for your sister and for letting us get to know Yolanda. I am so deeply sorry for your loss and for your community's loss. From everything you shared, Yolanda sounds incredible. And like we talked about earlier, I'm glad that her legacy is living on and still touching people through the work she did and the love she gave. I will continue to pray for you and your family for comfort and for strength. There are so many ways I could close this episode. The takeaways, the moments that stayed with me, the questions that we could sit with. But today was so personal and so honest and sacred that I want to leave space for you to do your own reflecting. I encourage you to talk to someone about what you heard today, share what you felt, and share what you learned as well. To anyone who is listening, who is experiencing domestic violence, or walking through any struggle that feels too heavy to carry, hear me when I say this. You are not alone. Please take the next step that leads you closer to safety, to peace, and to joy. To everyone listening today, thank you for being here with me, for holding this space, and for listening with your whole heart. Until next time, keep listening louder and discovering what connects us in ways we sometimes forget to notice. See ya bye.